Saying Goodbye

We lost our dog over the weekend. He was the most wonderful dog I've ever known. He was 13 1/2 years old, gentle, patient, stoic and handsome. He started having problems urinating - his bladder wouldn't empty completely and he was unable to control when and where he urinated. The vet could not figure out why. He was losing a tremendous amount of weight. When pressed, the vet said that it could be tumors in the spine but they really had no idea - and that we could do an ultrasound but the ultrasound may show nothing. They were not incredibly encouraging. We opted not to do it - partly because I was angry that they couldn't figure out what was wrong and we kept doing test after test without any results and partly because, I think, I was afraid of what they'd find out - would they find tumors? Would they recommend we put him to sleep? In retrospect, I wish I'd just done the test - although it may have not given us any answers it would have given me peace of mind now that we'd tried everything. The vet showed me how to catheterize him at home. We talked about end of life issues - about when is the best time - before they get really bad? When they get really bad? I was overwhelmed by the very idea of catheterizing my dog and scared. I did it, however. I then decided to keep him in diapers in our apartment (he was not able to control where he voided anymore) - which I'm sure was completely humiliating for him and something my husband hated. He was such a beautiful dog. My husband would get so irate when he'd pee on the floor that I thought it was a good solution. I was completely, utterly, horribly wrong and it led to his ultimate demise. I did not realize that diapering your dog can lead to urine burn (why didn't I know? I've heard of diaper rash for gawd's sakes). I feel horrible that I didn't know. The urine burn became infected (also something that I didn't know because I never actually saw it because I left all the diapering to the Husband) and we were advised to put him to sleep because the burns would just keep happening. They could dress the wound and then sew it up after five days of pretty horrible dressing changes in which they would have to sedate him (it was that bad) but they told me it would just keep happening. And he was still not able to empty his bladder which was also painful for him. I didn't know it was that bad. I actually thought diapering him was this great, genius solution to a problem that was becoming completely overwhelming.

Putting him to "sleep" was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I am filled with regret, with guilt.

I'm so sorry my beautiful dog. The world was a better place with you in it. Thank you so much for coming into my life - I can't believe how incredibly lucky we were. I wish you peace. I miss you terribly.