It's 3 AM

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. My mind keeps going through every possible scenario about what I should have done for my dog. I wish I hadn't put him to sleep - I wish I'd just had them repair the wound and done the ultrasound. I said OK to putting him to sleep because I felt like repairing the wound, which would have been painful and awful for him, was not something he should go through for my own selfish needs to keep him alive. Now, however, I wish I'd just done it because I can never right the wrongs. I can never make it up to him. In my crazy-it's-3am-in-the-morning-mind I keep thinking the vet didn't think we deserved to have him live so recommended that we put him to sleep - because we are awful people and deserved to live with the guilt and the terrible loss of our beloved dog. I was being told by three separate people to put him to sleep: my husband, the doctor and my sister (who is a nurse). I was told I had to make the decision RIGHT THEN. I've never believed in putting dogs to sleep - I never understood it. It goes against my fundamental belief system and now I am completely tortured by it. He was a large dog and at age 13 1/2, I realize he was near the end of his life. But he was the greatest dog I've ever known and he shouldn't have gone out this way. I don't understand why I took such a backseat to his care. I don't understand why I never even looked a the wound - my husband told me not to and so I didn't. I wish I had just looked - I would (hopefully) had insisted on taking him in earlier. Why didn't I just do the ultrasound? I used money as an issue - but I think I just couldn't face any of it. I was so overwhelmed by catheterizing him, by him peeing all over the carpet, all of the time. I really didn't know what to do. He'd had inklings of this problem twice before but it had gone away - we took him to two different vets before this one and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. I don't know. I really didn't believe that this would be the outcome. I didn't think when we took him in that we would be leaving without him.

I miss my dog. I really miss my dog. It wasn't time for him to go. I can't believe I agreed to put him to sleep. It was not the right decision for me.