Wowza

Ultrasound today: measuring at exactly 7 weeks (technically I'm 6 weeks 5 days). Heart rate at 144 beats per minute. I was, and this is a rarity, speechless. I also couldn't hold back the tears.

Doctor Superman seemed surprised, however, that I was at work last week (due to the bleeding). At the time he'd said, "take it easy" - I didn't know that he meant not to go to work. This time he again told me to take it easy, that this is a critical time, etc. I didn't think to ask him about the photo shoot I have scheduled tomorrow - I'll be on my feet for one to two hours. So, now I don't know if I should cancel or not.

I am equally thrilled and stunned. We're still far from being out of the woods yet but we've graduated. I have to make an appointment with a regular (albeit high risk) OB.

Not that long ago, when I told my sister that we were moving on to adoption (which we still want to do) and to stop harassing me about getting pregnant again, she e-mailed me back and said, "Miracles do happen. Who says they can't happen to you?" In a couple of weeks, I'm going to e-mail her, with these words, and these words only: "Miracles do happen . . . " She'll instantly know. I am sure of it. And I can't wait.

Exhale, exhale, exhale.

1st Scan

Scan showed a gestational sac and it is measuring appropriately. Doctor Superman thinks the spotting is from an irritation of the vaginal wall as there was no detection of a problem internally. I'm a little perplexed as to why there was only a gestational sac and no yolk or fetal pole but the doc did not seem concerned. Of course, I'm worried. I have another scan in a week. He made three seperate illustrations: 1) with only the gestational sac, 2) with the sac and yolk sac and 3) with the sac, yolk sac and fetal pole. He indicated that this is generally the progression. If we still don't see anything at the next scan, that is likely problematic. In my last pregnancy that made it this far, we saw a heartbeat. Again, worried.

The husband cried like a baby.

I've never been so thrilled to have to make a trip to the in-laws.

Thank you for all your kind comments.

I'll be holding my breath all week . . .

(I'm considered approximately 5 weeks 6 days).

Game Over

I have no cramps, my breasts still hurt and my temperature is still elevated, but it's turning red. Bright, bright red. I have a scan tommorow, but . . .

When I used to read other people's blogs who miscarried multiple times, I couldn't figure out how and why they kept going. What drove them? Why would they put themselves through it time and time again?

I'll tell you. Hope. You think, it couldn't POSSIBLY happen again. And love. You think, I want to see a little face that reminds me of my husband. And . . . denial. You think, it's not happening again, even when it is, right before your very eyes.

Five times. FIVE TIMES.

I made a deadline for myself to have the initial application with the adoption agency done by January 31st. Then I got pregnant. And then there was hope. Everything looked good - I actually produced eggs on Clomid! More than one! My lining was great. The IUI went smoothly. I took a home pregnancy test and got a faint line. And every day that I took another test, the line got darker. My hCG was high. My progesterone was higher than it's ever been. I stopped running. I cut out soy. I ate fish (I'm normally a vegetarian). I shot myself twice a day with heparin. I took baby aspirin, folate and prenatal vitamins. I drank hormone free milk. And orange juice. I went on walks. I tried to think positively. We visualized a positive outcome. I let myself think about the possibility of twins. TWINS! And yet, still . . . again. Same old story.

We are supposed to be going to the husband's hometown for his mother's birthday. I'm bailing out. It's difficult for me to be around a baby right now.

I wish I had more to say. But, I can't really get my head around this. When I came into work today, I went to the bathroom, came back, and noticed that I had spilled water all over my desk, my chair, the floor, my pant leg. I'd been walking around like that for a good twenty minutes and hadn't even noticed.

Spotting.

Again. I've been trying to be cautiously optimistic . . . but . . . now . . . this.

I'll meet you over at the Prozac dispenser if this goes where I don't even want to mention.

And the only thing to do now is wait.

Finally . . .

I just threw my intern out of my office so I could call and find out if there were any results. The nurse said, "Yes, I just got those and I'm going to have the nurse practitioner call you and explain the results and what you need to do next but you are pregnant, and your hCG is 358, which is pretty good." My hCG was taken from what I'd estimate as exactly 14 days post ovulation. My progesterone was at 57.38. I've actually never had a progesterone at that level - and that seems insanely high. I am on progesterone supplementation, however. As I am want to do - that makes me slightly nervous. So, I guess next stop is to get another hCG done.

***UPDATE***

Your encouraging comments mean the world!

I just got off the phone with the Physician's Assistant - who left me a message about getting my second beta within 48 hours from the last, on Thursday. I phoned her back to make sure she understood that the initial results were from Saturday - not today. She hesitated and then told me that perhaps a second beta wasn't really necessary - she felt that these numbers looked good, etc., etc. - something about it being more difficult to tell the doubling rate when it's more than 48 hours. I then explained a little bit about my history and she then said that I would be treated the same even if the beta wasn't doubling properly (progesterone, etc.) and so there was perhaps not much of a need. At first I was OK with this - now I'm starting to get more and more anxious about it. However, I imagine that if Doctor Superman has an issue with this, he'll call. In the meantime, I just wait. I know, crazy.

No News is Good News

By 11 AM yesterday with no news, I was about ready to jump out of my skin. So, I called my doctor's office and they didn't have any results. I then called the blood draw clinic and they didn't have any results either. Every time my cell phone rang at work (which seemed to be about a million times) my heart leapt out of my chest. It was excruciating. By the end of the day I was totally keyed up and freaked out. And I yelled at a friend of mine and called him an idiot (perhaps I should apologize? I'm thinking about it). In the past, I may have had good news only to be followed up by bad news - it's really not a wonder why I became totally and absolutely anxious. Anyway, who knows when I'll know? I'm trying to forget about it, for now.

So, ummm, go Giants!

Groundhog Day

So fitting that today is Groundhog Day, as I go do my duty and get yet another blood test. And I thought, as I was sitting there, that I could practically do this myself - you know, take my own blood, test it, and be done with it. So, I've decided that I'm going to devise a kit, a home pregnancy BLOOD test for all those infertiles out there. Lord knows I've done it enough times.

Anyway, I won't know the results until Monday. Spotting has seemed to cease. Awoke with terrible cramps however in the middle of the night. It's always something.

Trying to take it one day at a time . . .