The Fat Lady Is Starting to . . .

My birthday was last Friday. I turned 40. FORTY. The Husband and I were on the fence for a long time about trying for another. There were many reasons for the indecision, but avoiding having another miscarriage was up there on the list. I did not want to get crazy-obsessed about trying to conceive when I already have a child, did not want to go through the heart ache as well. There are also many benefits to having one child versus multiple (or so the studies say). That being said, last year we decided to make a go of it - and nothing happened. We did IUI after IUI. Finally, I pushed to start the IVF process. I did a round of birth control pills and was to go in on "day 2".  I couldn't figure out when "day 2" was, however. I'd never had such a light period in my life. I kept waiting and waiting. I finally went in on Monday morning - FOUR or FIVE days after my period started. My FSH tested at 23. The IVF was cancelled. My FSH, right before I had the Boy, was 6. That was four years ago (he'll be four in October). There is some evidence that those with the MTHFR A1298C (I'm homozygous) do not respond well to ovarian stimulating hormones and have (prematurely) high FSH levels. I'm not so sure I'd say it's all that premature now, considering that I'm FORTY but it's a little bit of a shock, nonetheless. And here's the kicker - only a few months ago, it was 16 (not great) but IVF wouldn't have been cancelled. Where do we go from here? I'm not sure that I have the energy to read a thousand books on high FSH, to start downing wheat grass juice, to do yoga and acupuncture, take folic acid and fish oil and whatever else. I'm not sure I'm up for it. I'm not sure I can put all my energy into something that just might not work. Doctor Superman said that he is "very concerned." He's never said that before - he was always pretty optimistic. That's scary. I don't want to have false hope, either. I don't really know what to do. It's a depressing position to be in . . . and although it might appear a little crazy in the first place to try to have a baby at forty - it wasn't my intention to try to have a baby at forty. I wanted to have my first at 34, my second at 36. That was a little bit old, but that's the age my parents were when they had me. I never anticipated that it would be years of miscarriages, years of trying. We got a pretty bum deal - but we got a great kid out of it, too. I'll always feel the loss of those four . . . and will always feel like someone is missing. There was supposed to be another one . . .  whether or not I can make that happen, only time will tell.