Two More Weeks or Four?

Less than two weeks to d-day.

I was just informed by my sister that everyone in the family goes into labor about two weeks AFTER their due date. Now, you'd think that I would be completely upset by this - what with the being as big as a house and all, but actually it made me slightly thrilled because it may mean that I have a little more time to get things done - which means that I won't actually go two weeks late, I'll be in labor tomorrow. Or you know, right now (no, I'm not in labor).

Last Wednesday I talked to my doc about going off of heparin. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy with this back and forth - but he seems pretty convinced that even if it was necessary at one time, I can safely cease using it now. I felt like a selfish jerk for deciding to stop - what if? What if? All because I couldn't take the bruising anymore, or the fear, however slim, of bleeding out if I should happen to have complications during labor. So, I've been free of the twice a day heparin administration since last Wednesday and the bambino seems to not have noticed - he continues to move around in there with much frequency. I have a non-stress test on Wednesday. Hopefully it will show no changes.

When I told the fam about the bambino, around 12 weeks, my sister started bombarding me with "birth plan" talk. What was I doing? What kind of birth did I want? Did I have a birth plan? The thing about dealing with infertility and recurrent miscarriage is that it robs you of the luxury of thinking about birth plans and what kind of birth you want because you can only think about getting through the present - you just can't think about what's happening tomorrow, or the next day, let alone, the birth. I did not really feel comfortable thinking about it until, oh, about two weeks ago. And although she sent me quite a few books on the subject, I stowed them away until recently. I also found her comments at the time to be annoying and a little too out there - or so I thought (she's had four kids all without any drugs - but her births are very, very fast which I'm sure makes a difference). The problem now is that all of this reading has lead me to semi-distrust the medical establishment, when it comes to birth, and specifically, the hospital and the ob/gyn team that I will be working with. Here's the thing - I am with one of the best OB/GYN high-risk groups in the country. I am also at a hospital that has gotten "Best Hospital" for years and years. But they are extremely medical-intervention-happy. They seem to look at birth as a medical emergency and are prepared for any and all complications - which should be a comfort, and in part, it is, but I'm concerned about this "snowball effect" that I keep reading about. Although I realize that complications can and do happen, and certainly hope that that is not the case for us - and will be thankful, obviously, that I am somewhere that can handle complications if they should arise - the "snowball effect" concerns me: your labor isn't "progressing" (meaning you've been laboring in the hospital for, like, six hours ) so they give you Oxytocin, "Pitocin". Now, you're in horrible, horrific pain so throw on that epidural. Now the labor has slowed down and the baby's respirations have slowed as well (due to the drugs), so guess what? Congratulations, you get a C-section! Some theorize that this is a direct result of the very real risk of litigation that OB/GYN's face. Others say that hospitals are also, at least in part, to blame - they want you in and out. When it comes to your child, what kind of risks are you willing to take? If they tell you that your unborn baby's respirations have slowed down, what would you do? Fight it? Not likely. You will be scared out of your mind and likely scream BRING ON THE C-SECTION. Could this have been avoided? Maybe. Maybe not. At my medical-intervention-happy hospital, the minute a laboring woman walks in the door, she is given an IV. An IV! I find this ludicrous - if only because this is NOT a requirement at all hospitals. Furthermore, they administer pitocin routinely after the baby is born to expel the placenta. Although hemorrhaging is one of, if not the highest cause of maternal death (which can happen due to complications with expelling the placenta), the actual risk is very, very slim. And again, this is not a universal requirement. And hey - in general, women actually expel the placenta naturally! And breastfeeding helps. Imagine that. Anyway - I realize that a birth plan is silly in some ways - I have to be prepared for anything happening, including a c-section or pain medications or other things that I don't think I want. I do realize that. And I have no issue with someone knowing that they want an epidural, either. It's just something I would rather avoid. I am having an open mind - I've never been through labor before, so who knows how I will react? And the important thing, really, is the Kid and his welfare. This is really a very short period of time and meeting my son and taking care of him is what really matters.

Starting to Believe . . .

There are still moments when I find all of this, well, shocking, amazing, unbelievable. I wasn't able to read books on birth or child care until, well, very, very recently - which makes things a little daunting as I try to read as many books as possible in these last few weeks. Not to mention trying to absorb the information.



We had our child care class last night. While the husband looked on lovingly at his swaddled fake baby (his swaddling is much better than mine, by the way, who knew?) - I couldn't help but to feel . . . overwhelmed, scared, unprepared. Bathing seems entirely frightening. The amount of clothes to dress them in? And SIDS. Just her mentioning SIDS practically had me running from the room sobbing (I am pregnant, donchaknow).



Then there are moments like these . . . when I go to the Stirrup Queen website and see that my blog has moved on the blogroll from "Pregnancy Loss" to "Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss" and I'm just, again, so incredibly shocked . . . and thrilled . . . and in disbelief, that this is really happening. It's really quite extraordinary. The husband always believed . . . I cannot say that I was always in that same mind set.



I have a feeling I'm going to still feel shock and disbelief (and elation!) for a very long time to come.

Uh, WHAT?

I have less than five weeks left. LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS. This is mind boggling. Truly. And we have so much yet to do. We've decided to stay in our 1 bedroom apartment for the first few months, keeping the bambino in our bedroom with us and then moving to a bigger place. Renting or buying is still up in the air. It's been kind of a run down memory lane for both of us as we try to make more space and wade through all of our junk. I think it's making us both feel nostalgic and anxious (we have so much junk! SO MUCH JUNK that we can't seem to part with!). I brought out the old junior high year books - and eee gads - those were some frightening years, for the both of us. I have to say, preemptively, sorry kid, it's likely genetic.

I was feeling pretty good about myself, I found a glider and ottoman in excellent shape for $80. It's listed at $800 retail. $800!!!! Then I made the realization, today, that the bellini changing table top I purchased in order to save space (attaches to any dresser) was NOT the best purchase in the world when I could have simply purchased a changing table cushion for anywhere from $25 - $50 and called it a day. If I keep the bellini (I purchased it used - I'd have to resell it), I still have to purchase a pad, too. Ugh.

Nothing else new to report - except that last time I saw the doc, the Kid's head was in the downward position - which I was thrilled with - but also kind of knew, since my ability to walk has completely altered in the last week or so. It's waddling time, baby!