Game Over

I have no cramps, my breasts still hurt and my temperature is still elevated, but it's turning red. Bright, bright red. I have a scan tommorow, but . . .

When I used to read other people's blogs who miscarried multiple times, I couldn't figure out how and why they kept going. What drove them? Why would they put themselves through it time and time again?

I'll tell you. Hope. You think, it couldn't POSSIBLY happen again. And love. You think, I want to see a little face that reminds me of my husband. And . . . denial. You think, it's not happening again, even when it is, right before your very eyes.

Five times. FIVE TIMES.

I made a deadline for myself to have the initial application with the adoption agency done by January 31st. Then I got pregnant. And then there was hope. Everything looked good - I actually produced eggs on Clomid! More than one! My lining was great. The IUI went smoothly. I took a home pregnancy test and got a faint line. And every day that I took another test, the line got darker. My hCG was high. My progesterone was higher than it's ever been. I stopped running. I cut out soy. I ate fish (I'm normally a vegetarian). I shot myself twice a day with heparin. I took baby aspirin, folate and prenatal vitamins. I drank hormone free milk. And orange juice. I went on walks. I tried to think positively. We visualized a positive outcome. I let myself think about the possibility of twins. TWINS! And yet, still . . . again. Same old story.

We are supposed to be going to the husband's hometown for his mother's birthday. I'm bailing out. It's difficult for me to be around a baby right now.

I wish I had more to say. But, I can't really get my head around this. When I came into work today, I went to the bathroom, came back, and noticed that I had spilled water all over my desk, my chair, the floor, my pant leg. I'd been walking around like that for a good twenty minutes and hadn't even noticed.