Soy Idiota

So, I was minding my own business today--at a stop light, when this big, huge truck comes barreling backwards into me. Apparently, he was trying to parallel park. Into my car. There's now a large dent on my hood. And because I a) cannot think under pressure and b) was just driving for two very long hours and c) am an idiot, I listened to the guy complain about how he didn't want his insurance to go up and would I just take some money for the dent and be on my merry way. And so, again (see above) I said OK. And then later, upon arriving home, felt like the biggest moron on the planet. I decided to return to his place of work (I know where he works) and tell him that I just couldn't do it, return the money, and go through the proper channels. But his work was closed. I then called the police in order to file a report of the accident and was told that because the accident occurred several hours before, I would need to go to the precinct and make a report in person. You know, because I AM THE IDIOT WHO DIDN'T CALL AT THE TIME. Nope, all I wanted to do when it happened was to get away from the driver, his various friends who seemed to be wandering about the street piping in with their two cents, and go home. I didn't particularly care about my car at that moment--the car has several dents in it already that I have not repaired because I do not want to put money into the car except for general maintenance (it's quite old with a lot of miles and used exclusively for my long commute). My thought process (if you could call it that) today was that it was unlikely that I would take the time to get it repaired so I might as well just take the money and be done with it. Now, however, I just feel completely stupid and sick about it. In situations that involve cars, I completely lose all sense. For example, I just spent a fortune on tires--which I may or may not have really needed. For some reason, when the auto is involved, I become so nervous and agitated that I cannot function properly. It's like a sickness.

Moving on (for anyone who knows me, that's the most hilarious statement ever--I don't tend to "move on" - I tend to lose sleep and stress about things such as these for days). I shot a race this weekend. Prior to it starting, all traffic was cleared on a bridge from Manhattan to one of the outer boroughs. I was stationed there and the view was incredible. No traffic. No people. Just me and the freezing wind and my camera. And that incredible city skyline in front of me.

In response to my previous post - those situations really are unbearable to me. But I am trying not to live that way--I am trying to move on. But they are always noted. And I am not always successful--in the moving on bit. But I cannot stay or do not want to stay or am afraid to stay in the darkness forever. And sometimes I think the only way to shut it out is to just shut that door--to never have children, to just never try. If I never try, I'll never have to feel that again. But I know that that is not really true. It will always be with me. Always.