The husband and I came to the realization over the weekend that if I have another miscarriage, I will resent the hell out of him . . . and if we never try again, he will resent the hell out of me. How does one move forward with such a realization?
When I am fairly set on the whole, "Forget it - I’m never trying again" idea, I see something like this. This kid. This adorable kid. Or I think of my husband with his child, our child. Or I think about who he or she, this child, could be. Unconsciously. And I feel, if not optimistic, something akin to maybe hope. Maybe. Maybe. But mainly, I feel terrified. We shall be trying again soon. Sigh. Let the freakitude begin. Little red pills, activate.
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Moving on from Recurrent Miscarriage (soon to be OUT of the Rabbit Hole)
IComLeavWe
About Me
- Ali
- After four miscarriages, I welcomed home my baby boy in the fall of 2008.
Our son was born in the fall of 2008 after four miscarriages. Currently trying for numero dos. Homozygous MTHFR (A1298C). Treated with folate and vitamin B6 and B12 supplementation. Diagnosed with Idiopathic Recurrent Pregnancy Loss in August 2007. IUI in January 2008 with clomid. Started on heparin January 18, 2008, switched to Lovenox April 10th. Oh, I'm also Rh-negative.
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e-mail me at alicerabbit at gmail dot com
MTHFR info
- All MTHFR, All the Time
- Ask a Geneticist!
- Ask another Geneticist!
- Join the fun! Calculate your BMI!
- Miscarriage Causes - MTHFR
- MTHFR and risk of fetal loss
- MTHFR Community Board Discussion
- Study - Genotypes of the C677T and A1298C . . . as cause for SA
- Study - MTHFR associated with ovarian follicular activity
- Study - MTHFR is associated with recurrent miscarriage
- Study - MTHFR not predictive of recurrent fetal loss
Timeline
- 10/19/2018 Possible BFP - neg test the next day
- 1/26/15 BFP
- 8/22/12 - BFN (10PIUI)
- 8/12/12 - IUI
- 8/12 - begin looking into adoption options again
- AMH = .1 Dx 7/12
- IVF #2 Cancelled - converted to IUI 8/12/12
- FSH (9) 2007
- 1/6/06; hcg 35,194.1 prog 10
- FSH (6) 2008/2007
- FSH (16) October 2011
- FSH (23) 5/15/12
- IUI #6 1/22/12
- Began taking Clomid: 2/22/11
- IUI #2: 2/5/11: FAIL!
- Began taking Clomid - 1/26/2011
- Surgery - laparoscopy and hysteroscopy - 11/29/2010
- Consult with RE November 2010
- Had our baby boy - fall 2008!
- Came off of heparin as of September 25, 2008
- Switched back to heparin - September 22, 2008
- Switched to lovenox - sometime during summer 2008
- Graduate from RE to high-risk OB/GYN - March 12, 2008
- Official positive preg test - Feb 1, 2008
- Began heparin therapy January 18, 2008
- 2nd cycle w/ Clomid PLUS IUI! - January 2008
- Green light to start trying again - 11/30/2007
- Seriously thinking about adoption - November 2007
- Surgery - laparoscopy and hysteroscopy - 11/19/2007
- First Consult with new RE - October 2007
- Diagnosed with MTHFR - January 2007
- Fourth BFP 8/8/2007 (chemical) - est. due date 4/24/2008
- Third BFP 8/03/2006 (miscarriage) - est. due date 4/27/2007
- Second BFP 7/19/2006 (chemical) - est. due date 4/01/2007
- First pos pregnancy test (BFP) 12/3/2005 (miscarriage) - est. due date 8/15/2006
Adoption on the Radio
ART and Adoption Articles and Sites of Note
Podcasts
Blogs I Read
- A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs and Maybe Baby? (YES! BABY!)
- A Half Baked Life
- A Little Pregnant
- After Words (formerly BrooklynGirl)
- Apron Strings (formerly The Oneliner)
- Barefoot and . . .
- Delinquent Eggs
- Desperately Seeking Baby
- Everyone Else But Me
- House of Miao
- Inconceivable
- Izzle Pfaff!
- julia (Here Be Hippogriffs)
- Karen Cheng: Snippets of Life
- Maybe Mama
- Me the Bumblebee (password protected)
- Missed Conceptions
- No Matter How Small
- Relative Choices: Adoption and the American Family (NYT)
- The Conceivable Future
- The Geek Nature Preserve
- The Mind of Olivia Drab
- The Sartorialist
6 comments:
Oh, Alice, I don't even know what to say. I had the same fear after the loss--that the only way to prevent this from happening again is never to try again. And I was just frozen with this fear. Your losses are so much bigger than mine, so I know your fear is ten-fold from what I experienced. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, but I am glad you decided to try again. I have so much hope for you.pufvvo
Oh, that is quite an impasse. Maybe it makes sense to take another cycle or two to deal with your feelings about trying again before you start trying....
That's hard. At least you don't have to decide right away. Things are always changing. I wish you well in figuring out what you want and what you can bear.
When my friend died (now, that's a way to start a comment!)(and a guarantee that its not going to be perky, either.) Anyway....when my friend died, I woke up the next morning, before I got ready to go to the airport to fly to my friend's hometown, and I watched my husband sleeping.
As he slept it occurred to me that it takes a lot of faith just to get out of bed in the morning. Because so many things could happen that day to upset us...or even destroy us. It kind of seems like we get out of bed with an egg in a spoon and just hope against hope that the egg doesn't drop from the spoon.
I'm kind of afraid to say this...because I don't mean to offend...I mean it as a thinking point.... while all the m/cs you've been through are horrible, utterly depressing and deeply saddening....most likely they aren't the worst thing that will happen to you. Or me. Or any of us. I mean, think how much of our heart walks around in the world everyday. Our parents, siblings, friends, spouses, every person we care about.
And we have to get out of bed. To live and to love those people. Every day.
I guess I say this to say....that while you think you can prevent heartache...you can't. And there's actually less risk of heartache with trying again than with not. B/c we know you'll be sad for a long time if you don't try. But, if you do, you have a pretty good shot at avoiding this heartache this time.
Does that make any sense? I hope I haven't said anything off color?
And I completely understand why you're terrified to try again. Because it is soooo scary. Waiting until you're in a good (well, I suppose 'better') place can't be a bad thing.
hey, what up with the red pills? i'm only on Folgard?
First of all, Alice - thanks for commenting on my blog. It's so great to meet you.
Secondly, trust your feelings, but don't let them rule or define you. I can't imagine your pain, and I hope that whatever decision you arrive upon, that you make your health and sanity the top priority.
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