"Magical thinking can occur when one simply does not understand possible causes, as illustrated by Sir Arthur C. Clarke's suggestion that 'any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic' but can also occur in response to situations that are largely random or chaotic, such as a coin toss, as well as in situations that one has little or no control over, especially those one is emotionally invested in."
When I was, maybe nine or ten, my grandmother was dying. She wasn't really that old and it shook the entire family. As she lay in her hospital bed, I began wearing a macaroni necklace. I told myself, as long as I remembered to wear it, she wouldn't die. One day I forgot to slip it on. That day, she died.
Since miscarrying multiple times, I find myself doing similar things. I tell myself that if I don't start thinking more positively, I will, essentially, will the worst to happen. If I don't constantly visualize myself with a full, pregnant belly, I'll never have one. If I don't clean my house and go all feng shui on it, the universe won't hear my call. Frankly, it's exhausting. I don't exactly know how to get my head around it - that I really don't control whether or not this will all work out by my own thoughts, positive attitude or not, but I need to let go a little. The fact is, I don't really have control over whether or not I miscarry - much as I seem to believe otherwise.
I'm also keeping this whole IUI business on the down low. I can't really bear to hear my sister, mother, friends do the whole, "OH! I just know it's going to work out for you this time." I can't take it. I know that's odd, I suppose, but I just eye them and think, "You really don't know what the hell you are talking about." I can't handle the enthusiasm because I'm trying to keep myself from getting too carried away - because if I get carried away and it doesn't work out, it's all the more crushing. Then again, I find myself getting a little excited with each new cycle - because it really could all work out. Yep, I'm a flip flopper.
And now onto the minutia of my cycle Day 10 appointment: lining is at 7.5 mm, three follicles, 11 mm, 15mm and 16 mm. Last time I was on Clomid, I had one follicle and it was barely at 15 mm. Dr. Superman seemed pleased. We're marching onto "collection time"wherein the husband gets to get romantic with a cup. Splendid.
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7 comments:
I know how you feel. I am glad that I don't remember the things I ate or wore when I did get pregnant because otherwise I would do it all the time. I am convinced (irrationally) that I miscarried because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring "that" night.
i knit myself a little bean creature that i dubbed my "talisbean" and took to carrying it around with me during my second pregnancy. when i found out that i was going to miscarry i was convinced that it was because i left it at home, shoved carelessly into a knitting bag...
all of the what-if's and litte superstitions we pick up certainly can be exhausting, but it's still so hard to stay away from them.
sounds like you have some really good stats this go 'round. wishing you all the best.
That sounds promising. I love that Dr. Superman seems pleased.
Three nice follies is good news indeed!!
I always HATED people's optimism, even if I was having a good optimistic day myself. What did they know? And after years of hearing that *THIS* cycle was *IT* they just began to sound stupid and meaningless anyway. I totally know how you feel.
I hope this IS it, though, for the record.
oh, i just *know* that this is going to work for you!
j/k, i saw an oppurtunity to fvck with you.
yeah, my mom used to tell me, oh i just *know* it's going to happen on it's own! which used to drive me insane. and i don't think her vision has come true. i think my oldbefroetheirtime ovaries popped out a potentially viable egg.
i don't know if this helps, but i have always struggled with trying to control the inherently uncontrollable.
when we did our IUI's...during the 2ww, i used to imagine that k and i were in the back of a car, being driven slowly by a nice man. a glass and sound proof wall seperated us from him. he was driving to a neighborhood. if he pulled into one of the white garages at the end of the neighborhood...we'd be pregnant, if he pulled into one of the black ones...we weren't. it helped me understand that there was nothing we could do except hope that the man pulled into the right one.
also, as you know, no matter what you do, you are sending yourself messages...so, make sure they are good ones. i used to think "i can be pregnant whether i think i am or not." over and over.
you know, this could very well work. it does for thousands of people every month, why not you??
I know how hard it is to have hope but it can happen and it sounds like you have a good doctor and good progress this cycle. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for you.
That lining and follicle count sound promising. Wishing you the very best of luck with the IUI,
J
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